That is exactly what I am calling myself these days. As a former beauty queen, I am allowed to use the label. So, how did I come to the realization that I earned the title of "bitching beauty queen"?? Cecil and I just returned from a 30 hour trip to Savannah, Georgia to support the Fort Bragg Rugby team, which placed third in Division I..so proud. During this trip I realized I need to take a long hard look at my "attitudes" and how this "trail to the tiara" has the potential to make me somewhat of a monster. Not a monster as in green with bulging muscles (I wish) and an affinity to breaking things and scaring women and small children, but the hormonal, testy and emotional tyrant that I was this weekend.
Putting such a hard goal in front of one's self, such as changing your entire body image on the inside and out, can take a toll on you in the early stages. I have become so addicted to my workout routine that not working out seems to be my hormonal trigger. I remember Cecil saying this same thing to me when he misses his workouts, but apparently to him, that excuse only works when you have more testosterone than estrogen. I told him watch out, I am Italian and I have had a fuzzy lip since I was 5. Hello, testosterone!
I feel extremely remorseful that my emotional roller coaster this weekend prevented me and Cecil from having an incredible time like we had planned. He is so understanding and I am grateful for that. This weekend, I cried, I pouted, yes I pouted like a 2 year old that was told, "no more cheerios" and I really looked hard at being the best person I can be. I need to find an outlet to channel frustrations, esteem issues, anxiety and mostly fear of failure. Fear of failing this transformation has me petrified, like a rock!
I learned a lot this weekend about the person that I do not want to be and the person that needs to find the esteem that she once had when she was just Miss Allen County and Miss Indiana State Fair.
No more being a bitching beauty queen!
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